Perfectionism and the Neurodivergent Mind: Breaking Free From the Myth of "Getting It Right"

At The Refuge Marriage and Family Therapy, we often hear from clients who are deeply self-aware but deeply exhausted—constantly trying to do better, be better, fix everything, or avoid being “too much.” For neurodivergent individuals—those with ADHD, autism, sensory sensitivity, OCD traits, or other types of unique wiring—perfectionism often isn’t about striving for excellence. It’s about safety, acceptance, and control.

Perfectionism as a Coping Strategy

Many neurodivergent folks develop perfectionistic patterns early in life as a way to adapt to environments that didn’t fully understand or affirm their needs. Whether it's being punished for impulsivity, misunderstood in emotional expression, or left out because of sensory overwhelm or social communication differences, the message internalized over time is this:

“If I just try hard enough, I can be normal. I can be safe.”

And so begins the loop—masking, hypervigilance, and chronic overfunctioning in the name of "getting it right."

This isn’t just about wanting things to be neat or done well. For many, perfectionism is tied to an overinflated sense of responsibility, often referred to as the righting reflex—the internal pressure to correct, fix, explain, or anticipate everyone else’s needs, sometimes at the cost of your own.

This reflex can be driven by anxiety or trauma, but it can also overlap with OCD traits—such as obsessive worrying about making a mistake, saying the wrong thing, or being misunderstood. For neurodivergent individuals, this pressure is intensified by years of masking or being punished for not fitting in.

How It Shows Up

Perfectionism in neurodivergent people might not look like color-coded planners or Instagram-worthy workspaces. It often manifests as:

• Over-preparing for conversations to avoid rejection or shame

• Feeling responsible for others' emotional states

• Mentally rehearsing or reviewing what you said for hours afterward

• Avoiding starting something unless you know you can do it perfectly

• Exhaustion from masking, managing others’ perceptions, or internalizing blame

• Constant tension between wanting control and feeling overwhelmed by it

This creates an exhausting feedback loop of pressure and burnout. And when layered on top of executive functioning challenges or sensory overwhelm, perfectionism can become paralyzing.

Understanding the Roots

In therapy, we often explore how perfectionistic behaviors stem from early core beliefs and protective strategies. For example:

• “If I’m perfect, they won’t leave.”

• “If I say everything just right, I won’t be misunderstood.”

• “If I take care of everyone else, I’ll be valued.”

These beliefs are often rooted in developmental trauma, ableism, or chronic invalidation—and while they may have helped keep you safe in the past, they’re usually no longer serving the version of you that’s seeking connection, authenticity, and rest today.

Reclaiming Your Life From Perfectionism

At The Refuge, we support clients in unlearning perfectionism and embracing the reality that they are already enough. That being imperfect doesn’t mean being unsafe—it means being human.

Some approaches we use include:

• Internal Family Systems (IFS): to explore the parts of you that hold fear, control, or shame, and to develop more compassion-driven relationships with them.

• Mindfulness and somatic practices: to regulate the nervous system and learn how to notice and pause the righting reflex.

• Psychoeducation on OCD and RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria): to help separate you from the thoughts that drive compulsive self-correction or people-pleasing.

• Narrative therapy and neurodivergent-affirming language: to reshape the story you’ve been telling yourself and affirm your strengths.

• Practical supports for ADHD: like external structures, compassionate accountability, and realistic goal-setting.

  
  

Redefining Success and Safety

What if success wasn’t about control, but about self-trust?What if safety wasn’t about perfection, but about support?

Healing from perfectionism isn’t a personality overhaul—it’s about permission. Permission to show up messy, take breaks, miss a deadline, stim openly, make mistakes, and still belong.

We want you to know: your worth is not up for debate. You don’t have to earn your place in the world by being the “perfect” version of yourself.

Let’s Do the Work Together

Whether you’re just beginning to understand how perfectionism has shaped your life, or you’ve been working to unlearn it for years, The Refuge offers compassionate, trauma-informed, neurodivergent-affirming therapy to walk with you on this journey.