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The Double Empathy Problem: Bridging the Gap Between Neurodiverse and Neurotypical Worlds

Writer's picture: TheRefugeMFTTheRefugeMFT


In the world of mental health and relationships, communication is often hailed as the cornerstone of connection. But what happens when two people experience the world so differently that even the most basic interactions feel like speaking two different languages? This is the essence of the "Double Empathy Problem," a concept that sheds light on the challenges and misunderstandings that can arise between neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals.


What Is the Double Empathy Problem?

Coined by Dr. Damian Milton in 2012, the Double Empathy Problem challenges the traditional narrative that neurodivergent individuals, particularly those on the autism spectrum, lack empathy. Instead, it suggests that communication breakdowns occur because both neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals struggle to fully understand and empathize with each other's perspectives. This is not a one-sided issue but rather a two-way interactional dynamic.

In essence, it’s not about one group being inherently better at empathy; it’s about differences in lived experiences, social norms, and communication styles. Neurotypical people often struggle to empathize with neurodivergent perspectives just as much as neurodivergent individuals may struggle to interpret neurotypical social cues.


Why Does This Matter in Therapy and Relationships?

At The Refuge Marriage and Family Therapy, we specialize in working with neurodiverse individuals and families, so we’ve seen firsthand how the Double Empathy Problem can affect relationships. Here are some of the common ways this dynamic shows up:

  1. Misunderstood Intentions: Neurotypical individuals may interpret a neurodivergent person’s directness as rudeness, while neurodivergent individuals might perceive neurotypical social niceties as disingenuous.

  2. Emotional Disconnect: A neurodivergent partner may express care in ways that differ from societal norms, leading their neurotypical partner to feel unloved or unappreciated—and vice versa.

  3. Parenting Challenges: Neurodiverse parents or children often feel isolated when others misunderstand their needs, communication styles, or sensory experiences.


How Can We Bridge the Gap?

Addressing the Double Empathy Problem requires curiosity, patience, and a willingness to step outside of your comfort zone. Here are some strategies to foster understanding and connection:

1. Embrace a Two-Way Perspective

Recognize that both parties bring unique strengths and challenges to the relationship. Empathy is a two-way street, and it’s crucial to validate each other’s experiences without judgment.

2. Learn Each Other’s Communication Styles

For neurotypical individuals, this might mean being direct and clear rather than relying on implied meanings. For neurodivergent individuals, it could involve learning common social cues or clarifying intentions. Both parties can benefit from open and honest discussions about how they prefer to communicate.

3. Practice Active Listening

Active listening means not only hearing the words spoken but also seeking to understand the emotions and intentions behind them. Reflect back what you hear to ensure clarity and avoid misunderstandings.

4. Build a Shared Framework

Couples and families can work together to create shared routines, rituals, and language that accommodate everyone’s needs. This might include using visual schedules, establishing sensory-friendly spaces, or creating hand signals for nonverbal communication.

5. Seek Professional Support

Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics and develop tools for navigating them. At The Refuge, we use approaches like attachment theory, Somatic Experiencing, and Gottman Method Couples Therapy to help clients build bridges of understanding.


Reframing Empathy as Connection

The Double Empathy Problem reminds us that empathy is not a fixed trait but a skill we develop through intentional effort and mutual respect. It’s about connection—meeting someone where they are and honoring their unique perspective, even if it’s different from your own.


Final Thoughts

At The Refuge Marriage and Family Therapy, we believe that diversity in communication styles and perspectives is a strength, not a weakness. By addressing the Double Empathy Problem, we can create more compassionate and inclusive relationships, whether between partners, family members, or friends. Together, we can bridge the gap and foster deeper understanding in a world that thrives on connection.

If you’re navigating challenges related to neurodivergence in your relationships, we’re here to help. Contact us today to learn more about our trauma-informed, neurodiversity-affirming approach to therapy.

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